Moving through the Mountains of Mental Health

It has been a hot minute since I have written in my blog. I decided it is time to get it going again. David and I now have 3 Beautiful kids. They are full of love and life. They teach me daily that they are the greatest examples of endless love and forgiveness. I could be having a grumpy day and no matter what, they alwyas still want to snuggle up and tell me they love me. I am going to do an individual post for each of them and how they were brought into this crazy world we are living in at a later date.

 My life is an open book. My hope is writing these blogs is to touch someones life who is going through something similar, and needs that little glimmer of hope and knowing someone out there understands.

 This post is me being quite vulnerable. Majority of my friends know of my very long struggle with chronic pain and anxiety/depression. My moods got to the point last year where I realized I needed to get back on something. I was grumpy and just not myself. Even after starting it, I still had moments where I would get feeling low and overwhelmed with life and resorted back to self harm. I vowed I wouldn't self harm any more after my son asked what happened and I had to come up with some story.

 On September 4th was my 40th Birthday. I got to spend the day with my Family. I received some beautiful flowers, a very pretty bead jewelry set my friend makes, and I received calls and messages that made me feel loved and thought about. I said that I sometimes think Birthdays were created to help those that may the go unnoticed in this crazy world indeed know that they are thought and cared about. That's why this next part still does not make sense to me. The night of my Birthday I felt a deep sadness, I told my husband I wanted to die. In the past when I have had suicidal thoughts I would always say I know I would never act on it because I would not put my Family through that because I love them to much. My kids are my World, and I am theirs. The next day the deep sadness was still there. I told my husband I wanted to go for a drive to see if it would help put me in a better place. I knew very well deep down leaving, those were not my intentions. I headed up to the Mountain. A place that brings me so much serenity. Only that day, I was not feeling the serenity that I usually feel. I was emotional, crying, full of anxiety, sadness and just not in a very good place mentally. And before I knew it, I had crashed my car into a tree. I set and cried and worked my way through a panic attack. It barely hurt the fender on my car, and didn't do anything to me. I had the thought to try it again, but I didn't. I sat there numb, lost and alone. My husband called because he was worried and I told him what I did. He and the kids immediately headed up to where I was. I called dispatch to send an officer to file a police report. My husband and kids came, my kids didn't understand why the car was crashed into a tree. My husband took them back home so they would not worry. He gave me a hug and told me would do whatever is needed to get me the help needed. Whether it be a Psych Hospital or whatever treatment measures a Doctor might recommend. I am grateful to my husband, living with someone with chronic health problems can take a lot out of you. And can be frustrating because you can not help your loved one and take away their pain or mental illness.

 I went straight to my Bishop to seek guidance. He suggested giving me a blessing. We went to my house so my husband could help administer it. I received a very comforting blessing with words that brought peace, strength and encouragement. My Bishop helped get me a emergency session with a local Therapist. I told the Therapist I was coming up with a Emergency plan of what I would do and who I would call or go to if I got in that place again.

 Living with a mental illness is so hard and draining. We don't want to have these thoughts, I have spent time in a Psych Hospital several years ago because I didn't feel safe with my thoughts. And then another time I did overdose. I didn't want to, but in the matter of seconds something over took me and I almost had an outer body experience where before I knew it I had taken a bunch of pills. Because of my challenges with mental health I decided to be more open about it, in hopes that it would give someone else struggling the same courage to speak out and get the help needed, or just to let them know they are not alone in their thoughts. 

Mental Health is a subject that is not addressed enough. Talking suicide with someone is such an uncomfortable topic for some. But if you know someone battling mental health, and especially suicidal thoughts, you need to have the courage to ask them where they are mentally, you need to let them know that they have someone they can turn to in their darkest moment without judgement. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is a helpful resource. I have used it to call and ask for advice for a Family member that was talking suicide. The number is 800-273-8255. There are usually local resources as well. You are not alone in your fight. There is always someone that is willing to listen. Please do not be afraid to reach out. Find healthy escapes, I have done a lot of coloring this week, I love color therapy. I have gone up to the Mountain as well and received some much needed serenity that I had mentioned the Mountains bring. You are loved, you are needed, there is hope, and you can and will get through the Mountains and stumbling blocks of struggles in life that you might be facing.

Our Why

Bare with me, I still haven't figured out how to make these fancy with spaces and able to put the pictures individually with captions. A lot of you may have seen my many posts about the company about the company I just signed up with to be a brand partner with Nerium International , this company is amazing. I just recently just got back from St. Louis from a Conference for them. It was so motivating and inspiring to hear so many different stories, and ways that Nerium has changed peoples lives. In a picture above is Justin Timberlakes Mom, who joined Nerium as a brand partner, it was neat to hear her tell of the depression she had been in before joining, and how good it felt for her to have her son tell her, "Mom, you have got your spark back." Also in the pictures above is a picture of me and my sister with 2 sisters. In February one of thems husband was put in the hospital with pneumonia, her sister and her husband had gone to see them and that night after they left the sisters husband suddenly passed away, a week later the husband that had pneumonia passed away as well. Word out gotten out on the Nerium fb page, the sisters said that the thing that has gotten them through this past 6 weeks was the over whelming amount of support they have gotten from our Nerium family, thousands of people they don't even know offered words of encouragement. This company is so family based, they had a room for all the parents that wanted to be there with their kids to watch everything going on, and not have to worry about noise. They are also one of the biggest supporters to Big Brother Big Big Sisters, just in that 3 days alone $151K was earned to donate. Nerium has only been around 3 years, just in the first year they broke $100 Million Dollars. They have a team of experience that have done relationship marketing that knows what works, The Co-Founder is, "the self-described “perpetual student of personal development” who has devoted his life to health and happiness as well as personal and financial success" Jeff Olson. I heard him many times and listened to his cd's and currently reading his book, "The Slight Edge." As you can see above, we got a picture in with him, he was so down to earth. Hearing him was so motivating and inspiring. He focuses so much on loving yourself and being happy with yourself. A few quotes of his I really liked are, "What’s more important on your journey is the kind of person you became on the way." "The biggest lesson you learn is when you’re on the bottom." and "When your determined to be somewhere, you'll get there." Which brings me to the reason we are so excited to be part of this great company that is only going up. We all have reasons for thriving in life, why we get up every day. We all have reasons why go to a job every day that we may not necessary like, but know it’s something we have to do to pay the bills and feed our families. A month ago, I was working for a corporate America type company that only cared about the money in their pocket. Even, the day after a car accident, I was expected to be at work the next day. Or when my Grandma was going to have emergency surgery, the biggest concern for them was making sure my shifts were covered. I realize that’s part of the responsibility and their job, but my point is that they didn't care about their employees. I am a very dedicated person, and gave my all to that company. That’s why when I heard about the potential with Nerium, after signing up, it was very easy to walk in the next day and give my 2 weeks, I felt a sense of freedom. And I still feel that freedom every morning waking up, knowing that I can work on my own time. There are so many things that David and I would like to do if we had the financial means to do so. One of course would be for us to go visit Samoa, and spoil are nieces and nephews there like crazy. We would love to be able to support his Mom and give her the comfortable life that she deserves. We had gone to see my parents a few weeks ago and David asked my Dad when he was going to be able to retire, his response, was never. He is a hardworking man and loves what he does, but we would love to be able to give a chance to rest, and just have that be a hobby for him. One of the speakers at the conference put the word FAMILY on the screen, each letter represented something. F-faith, you need to have faith in yourself, that we can make a difference in peoples lives A-abundance, you have to believe and remember to give back, M-mission, your family needs your positive influence in their life, I-intentionality, put positive thoughts in your brain, L-legacy, commit to liver beneficial and not superficial, Y-you, Believe in yourself and don't let someone else steal your dreams that you want to have.... I love that they emphasized on family. We all want to be able to help our families out. That’s part of the other reason for all of this, is to have the financial ability to take care of my own health problems, to be able to get treated for my infertility and not have to worry about the Dr. bills sky rocketing. We all of our WHY, we all want to better ourselves, and our lives. That’s what this company can do. We have reached out to people to tell them about Nerium, not to benefit us, but we genuinely want our friends and family to be able to have financial freedom that we all desire. I believe in this company and know with a little bit of work and dedication we'll get to where we want to be. I love the relationships I am gaining with family, and new friends through this. And for those that have already joined or those that will join this journey with us. Thank you for trusting us, and for taking the time to watch the videos or to hear about it, thank you for believing in this company. If you would like information, Here is a link to our site, www.fepuleai.nerium.com or www.fepuleai.arealbreakthrough.com

Rest in Love Daniel

I dedicate this post to a dear friend that recently passed away. I want to share some of my memories that I will always cherish of Daniel. I was going to try to post the pictures randomly through out this blog, but I'm still new at trying to know how to do it, and it always posted them at the top, so sorry for the bombarding of pics right off, they are pics with dates ranging from 2003 until the last one that has Daniel, David and I. That was our last day in Hawaii before moving back to Utah. It was the last time I got to see Daniel. I never realized how precious each of these pictuers would mean to me. Also sorry its one big huge paragraph, I can't figure how to space it either. The poem at the end is not spaced how I typed it in either. When I first moved to Hawaii in 2002, my neighbor at the time introduced my roommates and I to his group of friends. They called themselves fambam. They have that name for a reason, they are an amazing group of friends that treat and love each other like family. We started having weekly bonfires with them at the beach. At one of those bonfires is where I first met Daniel. Except I didn't meet him as Daniel. For the longest time we thought his name was Paul. "Ya real funny huh. A bunch of palagi girls from the mainland, totally believing anything we were told." We did find out however the truth, and that "Paul" also went by "Maps" which was legit. In August of 2003 Daniel was hit buy 2 cars. He survived, but this is where the true journey of our friendship was developed. I have posted the video that was made for a benefit concert on the 1 year mark of the accident. His lovely and talented Mom wrote this. I am inspired each time I watch the video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxEJblgtcQc Through out my years of working in treatment centers with troubled youth, I showed this video numerous times, in hopes the kids would realize the importance of how fragile life can be. I know that the video touched more then one of the students for the better. After the accident I would try to go visit Daniel as often as possible. Even though he was bed ridden and was not able to talk, he definietly still had his personality. One time shortly after the accident, I was at the hospital visiting with his Dad. We were watching a college football game and talking story, every time we would turn to talk with Daniel, he would hurry and close his eyes and fake asleep. Now that I'm writing this and having a husband that is very good at tuning out the rest of the world when any sort of sports is on, maybe Daniel was trying to say, "hey let me be to watch the game in peace." Uncle Simi and I joked of how Daniel was such a ham. When I moved back to Utah in December of 2004, I was yuck sick (hence the red shiny nose in one of the pics above.) Anway, that year for New Years I was going to New York to see the ball drop. Afterward all the excitement I called the Mapu family to wish Daniel a Happy New Year. Daniel served a spanish speaking mission and hola was one of the words that he was still able to get out every now and then. Before I left Hawaii they had been trying to get him to say it to me, but he wasn't ever able to. Well that night on the phone he did. I was so proud and excited. The highlight of that night wasn't seeing the ball drop, but in hearing this guy who was trying with all his might to make progress muster up those words. Another of my favorite memories is when they had brought Daniel to Utah to try to get some help. I went to visit and they had just got done with a Doctors visit and his Mom was saying Daniel was mad at her because of it. I asked him jokingly, "Daniel, are you mad at your Mom." He quickly raised his eye brows up and down in way to answer yes. He still had such a great way of communicating with his family. My purpose in this is to not try to make me look like a superstar in my visits with Daniel. Our friendship through out the years meant a lot to me, and this is a way for me to cope with his passing, I've always been able to express how I feel through words, (even if spelling is not always on.) Its a way for me to be able to hold onto the memories I have of him. He changed my life in more ways then I can say. I have battled depression for many years, and while I was in Hawaii, each and every time I left from having a visit with Daniel, it gave me a high on life. It made me want to do everything in my power to get rid of self destructive thoughts, here he was fighting for his life, and so many times I contimplated giving up mine. Daniel in a sense gave me a will to live. He made me realize to not take for granted the smallest things, to walking, talking and all the little things we are able to do each day, but take them for granted not even thinking that at any given time, those things can be taken from us. Through the love I saw his family give him on a twenty four hour basis, I have never seen such a love within another family. The strength his family has carried through out this journey is inspiring. The bond they have with one another is amazing. I admire them and have a special place for them, even if I may not know them on a personal basis all that well. In closing, I wrote a poem dedicated to Daniel. I hope it can bring peace and comfort to myself, and anyone else who may read it that may need that glimmer of hope, that with Daniels time on earth he touched and inspired so many people. Aloha oe to you my dear friend, May the Heavens embrace you until we meet again. You displayed so much strength through out the years, you were an example to many in overcoming our fears. In that, whatever trials and tribulations may come our way, if we rely on the Gospel, we can make it through each day. Your will to live so long, is so evident, that each life you have touched, you were Heaven sent. You'll never know the many people you inspire, to life life to the fullest, and appreciate the blessings we acquire. You'll forever be in the hearts of your friends and family, The memories will be cherished and share to the eternities. I know upon passing, you heard these words from our loving Heavenly Father, Daniel, you have fought a good fight, and Returned with Honor. With much love and respect, you will be missed. Terra Fepuleai

Through heartache and tears, there is still hope

Here it is already 2014. It's crazy how fast time seems to fly the older you get. David and I are approaching our 3 year anniversary in a couple months. I want to write about a very sensitive subject. I know I seem to do that alot, but I feel there are so many people who may struggle with things and don't feel they can talk about them, because they fear of making people uncomfortable, they fear they will be judged or its just to painful. Right after we got married, a month later I found out I was pregnant. I kind of suspected, but we confirmed it and Friday the 13th, sadly, that is also the same night that I had a miscarriage. That was one of the most heart breaking things to go through, and even though its been a little over two and a half years, I can not help but have the thoughts of what I could have done different. How I could have possibly prevented it. The Dr assured me it wasn't my fault, but I think its still not hard to put the blame on yourself. I still also have the thoughts each December of the age the baby would have been. What he or she might look like. We would have just approached the terrible two stage. I know most parents dread that stage, but if you experience what myself and so many other women have, you want nothing more then to have those dreaded experiences. We waited until the time frame the Dr said we could try again, and with hope in our hearts, month after month we tried, and every test always came back negative. I went to a Dr and he put me on infertility medicince. After 6 months, I went back to him and told him I don't think the medicine was working, his only words were "Yup its time for you to go to a specialist." He didn't write down any referrals. He didn't even suggest any tests of any sort. He just walked out of the room leaving me feeling hopeless. I didn't know the first steps to take to dealing with infertility. My sister told me of a homeopathic Dr that gave her friend some natural drops, and she got pregnant, so I made me trips to him for a couple of months, I was diligent about taking the drops, I was also reading everything possible that could increase your chances of getting pregnant. (Even to eating sweet potatos, a food I have no desire for the taste.) All with in this time, my body loved playing tricks on me. Every single month I was late, and every single month I would get my hopes up again and again, only to be let down. I think there are two things that make infertility extremely hard to cope with. The first is going to church, because it seems every other person is either pregnant or already has a baby. I've spent many Sundays sitting in the back in tears because of the desire to have a child. And the second one is when all your family members or friends keep annoucing their pregnancy. You try so hard to be happy for them, but deep down I think you have a bit of maybe jealousy or resentment. Which is a terrible feeling to have toward someone, but its almost something you cant control. Until about six months ago, I'm not sure what exactly happened, but I know I had been constantly praying and fasting for months for understanding of the whole situation, and I know I felt other peoples prayers in the process. But one day, something clicked. For some reason, I found myself being able to be happy for other people that were having that joy of either having a child of their own or adopting one. I was able to write them and tell them congratulations and actually mean it from the heart without having those hidden thoughts of resentment. About 3 months ago, I was having a pain in my stomach, I had once been told I had cysts on my ovaries, but the Dr didn't do anything to treat them. Luckily I had a female Dr at the urgent care that ordered an ultra sound and they once again found cysts. This time she actually diagnosed it as PCOS (Polycistic Ovary Syndrome) From what I read and studied up on it, it can cause infertility. I was furious with my Dr. Why hadn't he cared more to figure these things out. I had friends that said he delivered their babies and that he was a good Dr. But I feel a good Dr actually cares about their patients and would do whatever they can to see whats wrong with them, not only write a prescription as a quick fix. I am now seeing a new Dr that the Dr from the urgent care had reffered me to. He has given us a glimmer of hope. Through this whole process, as I said there have been many tears shed, a lot of disappointment, hurt, anger, self sabotaging thoughts and can even take a toll on the marriage. But as time goes on, I'm realizing its more in the Lords timing and I need to be patient, (as hard as it may be to do so) I have aready other talks on lds.org of ladies who struggled with infertility. And yes, I speak about it openly with other people. Like I said, I know its a sensitive subject, but to keep all those feelings and thoughts bottled up is not healthy. My husband has been a huge support, and though he may not understand everything I feel, I know he desires for a child just as much. And the best thing a couple can do is to lean on each other. A hug can bring such comfort. To anyone else that may read this, and may be struggling with infertility. Me heart goes out to you. I hope you can find the peace and comfort needed to keep your head up on those days that you go through the list of feelings of disappointment, hurt, anger, self sabotaging thoughts. Take comfort in knowing that even though everyones story is different, and everyone copes with it different. There are people who understand what your going through. That you can make it through those rough days, and even if you aren't ever able to be blessed with a child of your own, their are still plenty of children out there who need love, and in return can offer so much love and more.

2 Years later and this is where I'm at

So its been two years since I've written on this. I should just start a brand new one, but I'm not sure how to even work this one. To start off, I am now married to an amazing guy. We met August 15th 2010. Keep in mind this is when I was still at a pretty hard point with the depression, I had just gotten off some meds and the with drawls were having a terrible effect on me. Anyway, that night I went with some friends to a Samoan Club Gospel Forum, there, a friend introduced me to David. Later on I had a break down and couldn't stop crying, I still remember him walking up and saying "Are you ok?" We went and played games and afterward I offered to take him home. While on the way, he asked me what was wrong, not sure why I opened up so easily to him, but I told him of my battle with depression. We sat in the car and talked until 6 in the morning. On August 17th while sitting outside the Temple he asked me to be his girlfriend. The 19th he said he loved me, having never told a guy that I didn't say it in return until a few days later. I had always heard of couples that got engaged with in the first week of knowing each other and wondered if it were possible, but guess what, it is. I had finally found someone that accepted me for me, someone that wasn't to shame to be with me out in public, and someone that I didn't have to chase. We were married April 15th in the Laie Hawaii Temple. That was one of the best days. We just celebrated our one year anniversary, I can not beleive how fast this last year has come and gone. David is from the island of Samoa, I have not been there yet, but I can not wait to go visit. I love the Samoan people and culture. My husband is one of the most selfless people that I know, that is how their culture is, they are all about giving. I'm not there yet, but I do hope oneday to be as selfless as David is. I still have my good days and bad days with the depression. I am still trying to be completely of my meds so am trying different things. I still would like to get better and then speak out of the seriousness of depression. It takes over so many peoples lives and yet they don't speak out about it. By speaking out about it, I think it gives other people hope to know that there are other people out there struggling with the same thing. Or has struggled with it and overcame it. To many people are taking there own lives because of this. If you know someone that battles depression, let them speak to you about it, it can be uncomfortable for both of you, but if they feel comfortable talking about it with you, they may just feel comfortable talking to you about it when they are feeling suicidal. Also, be patient with them, we hate that it consumes so much of our lives and wish it didnt, but trust me, we already feel like a burden most of the time not being able to control our moods the way we wish we could. Lately, I have been to the point of wanting to quit my job because my moods are so hard to handle sometimes. If something bothers me at work, I don't know if its something legit to be upset about or if its my mood swings being to irrational. I feel blessed beyond words to have a husband that has stuck with me thus far. I know its hard on him, but he is so patient, gentle and loving, it really does help me help me. He gave me a reason to want to live and helps me strive to be happy.

This is from my other blog, I wrote back in April.

Its been an interesting month. I am always looking for life changing moments and I had one 2 wks ago. I battle depression, its on and off. I have been on many different meds for it. About 3 months ago it got so bad I went to the Dr and he put me on different meds and also set me up to start meeting with a psychiatrist. Which has helped a ton. I will more then likely post my progress on here every now and then. Anyway a few wks ago I got discouraged with myself for how many cupcakes I ate. The next day I also got discouraged for the way my meds were making me feel. I have been suicidal before but I always said I wouldn't put my family through that. Well this time around, I was so lost in my own world I didn't care about anything. I called my Psychiatrist and told her how I was feeling. She met with me and it helped, but 2 days later it was a Wednesday night, I started the thought process of how much I hated myself and flat out didn’t care about myself or anything else. I was worried that I would act on an impulse of self harming myself or taking to many pills to sleep it off, so I got in touch with my Dr and she recommended I go to the hospital. My good friend Stacy said she would take me. I went to Castles and they admitted me and then transferred me to Kahi hospital where I stayed the next 3 nights. It was an eye opener for me. I realized I needed to take more time for myself, not like watching tv or staying home, but needing to actually go out and enjoy myself, enjoy life. I realized I need to do whatever it takes to make myself healthy and to rid this depression because I don’t want end up in the hospital again or long term for that matter. When I got released and got home from the hospital it was hard because I automatically went into that wanting to be depressed state. Luckily I have an amazing relief society presidency. They came over and brought a nice basket of goodies and just kept me company for a while. That was a huge help to make it through the night. The next day was Easter Sunday. I went with a friend to the cemetery and for the first time went to my friends grave. Crystal passed away from breast cancer in 06, she is my age. While there I couldn’t help by cry and think of the fight of her life she put up trying to fight the cancer, and yet over the weekend I was so ready to end my life. It got me thinking more, I always said if I ever had cancer I would fight and be a survivor. Well this depression I battle is alot like a cancer. You have to fight like crazy to keep your thoughts in check, and to not let it consume you. Its so hard to want to keep going, but I will not let this defeat me. I will continue to fight it and do whatever I can to be a happy person. I will continue on working on loving myself and will continue my pursuit of happiness. I am very grateful for the support and love I have by so many people including my Heavenly Father. When I feel I am getting weak I will read this blog as a reminder to help me refocus.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, literally

Its been an interesting month. I am always looking for life changing moments and I had one 2 wks ago. I battle depression, its on and off. I have been on many different meds for it. About 3 months ago it got so bad I went to the Dr and he put me on different meds and also set me up to start meeting with a psychiatrist. Which has helped a ton. I will more then likely post my progress on here every now and then. Anyway a few wks ago I got discouraged with myself for how many cupcakes I ate. The next day I also got discouraged for the way my meds were making me feel. I have been suicidal before but I always said I wouldn't put my family through that. Well this time around, I was so lost in my own world I didn't care about anything. I called my Psychiatrist and told her how I was feeling. She met with me and it helped, but 2 days later it was a Wednesday night, I started the thought process of how much I hated myself and flat out didn’t care about myself or anything else. I was worried that I would act on an impulse of self harming myself or taking to many pills to sleep it off, so I got in touch with my Dr and she recommended I go to the hospital. My good friend Stacy said she would take me. I went to Castles and they admitted me and then transferred me to Kahi hospital where I stayed the next 3 nights. It was an eye opener for me. I realized I needed to take more time for myself, not like watching tv or staying home, but needing to actually go out and enjoy myself, enjoy life. I realized I need to do whatever it takes to make myself healthy and to rid this depression because I don’t want end up in the hospital again or long term for that matter. When I got released and got home from the hospital it was hard because I automatically went into that wanting to be depressed state. Luckily I have an amazing relief society presidency. They came over and brought a nice basket of goodies and just kept me company for a while. That was a huge help to make it through the night. The next day was Easter Sunday. I went with a friend to the cemetery and for the first time went to my friends grave. Crystal passed away from breast cancer in 06, she is my age. While there I couldn’t help by cry and think of the fight of her life she put up trying to fight the cancer, and yet over the weekend I was so ready to end my life. It got me thinking more, I always said if I ever had cancer I would fight and be a survivor. Well this depression I battle is alot like a cancer. You have to fight like crazy to keep your thoughts in check, and to not let it consume you. Its so hard to want to keep going, but I will not let this defeat me. I will continue to fight it and do whatever I can to be a happy person. I will continue on working on loving myself and will continue my pursuit of happiness. I am very grateful for the support and love I have by so many people including my Heavenly Father. When I feel I am getting weak I will read this blog as a reminder to help me refocus.