Through heartache and tears, there is still hope

Here it is already 2014. It's crazy how fast time seems to fly the older you get. David and I are approaching our 3 year anniversary in a couple months. I want to write about a very sensitive subject. I know I seem to do that alot, but I feel there are so many people who may struggle with things and don't feel they can talk about them, because they fear of making people uncomfortable, they fear they will be judged or its just to painful. Right after we got married, a month later I found out I was pregnant. I kind of suspected, but we confirmed it and Friday the 13th, sadly, that is also the same night that I had a miscarriage. That was one of the most heart breaking things to go through, and even though its been a little over two and a half years, I can not help but have the thoughts of what I could have done different. How I could have possibly prevented it. The Dr assured me it wasn't my fault, but I think its still not hard to put the blame on yourself. I still also have the thoughts each December of the age the baby would have been. What he or she might look like. We would have just approached the terrible two stage. I know most parents dread that stage, but if you experience what myself and so many other women have, you want nothing more then to have those dreaded experiences. We waited until the time frame the Dr said we could try again, and with hope in our hearts, month after month we tried, and every test always came back negative. I went to a Dr and he put me on infertility medicince. After 6 months, I went back to him and told him I don't think the medicine was working, his only words were "Yup its time for you to go to a specialist." He didn't write down any referrals. He didn't even suggest any tests of any sort. He just walked out of the room leaving me feeling hopeless. I didn't know the first steps to take to dealing with infertility. My sister told me of a homeopathic Dr that gave her friend some natural drops, and she got pregnant, so I made me trips to him for a couple of months, I was diligent about taking the drops, I was also reading everything possible that could increase your chances of getting pregnant. (Even to eating sweet potatos, a food I have no desire for the taste.) All with in this time, my body loved playing tricks on me. Every single month I was late, and every single month I would get my hopes up again and again, only to be let down. I think there are two things that make infertility extremely hard to cope with. The first is going to church, because it seems every other person is either pregnant or already has a baby. I've spent many Sundays sitting in the back in tears because of the desire to have a child. And the second one is when all your family members or friends keep annoucing their pregnancy. You try so hard to be happy for them, but deep down I think you have a bit of maybe jealousy or resentment. Which is a terrible feeling to have toward someone, but its almost something you cant control. Until about six months ago, I'm not sure what exactly happened, but I know I had been constantly praying and fasting for months for understanding of the whole situation, and I know I felt other peoples prayers in the process. But one day, something clicked. For some reason, I found myself being able to be happy for other people that were having that joy of either having a child of their own or adopting one. I was able to write them and tell them congratulations and actually mean it from the heart without having those hidden thoughts of resentment. About 3 months ago, I was having a pain in my stomach, I had once been told I had cysts on my ovaries, but the Dr didn't do anything to treat them. Luckily I had a female Dr at the urgent care that ordered an ultra sound and they once again found cysts. This time she actually diagnosed it as PCOS (Polycistic Ovary Syndrome) From what I read and studied up on it, it can cause infertility. I was furious with my Dr. Why hadn't he cared more to figure these things out. I had friends that said he delivered their babies and that he was a good Dr. But I feel a good Dr actually cares about their patients and would do whatever they can to see whats wrong with them, not only write a prescription as a quick fix. I am now seeing a new Dr that the Dr from the urgent care had reffered me to. He has given us a glimmer of hope. Through this whole process, as I said there have been many tears shed, a lot of disappointment, hurt, anger, self sabotaging thoughts and can even take a toll on the marriage. But as time goes on, I'm realizing its more in the Lords timing and I need to be patient, (as hard as it may be to do so) I have aready other talks on lds.org of ladies who struggled with infertility. And yes, I speak about it openly with other people. Like I said, I know its a sensitive subject, but to keep all those feelings and thoughts bottled up is not healthy. My husband has been a huge support, and though he may not understand everything I feel, I know he desires for a child just as much. And the best thing a couple can do is to lean on each other. A hug can bring such comfort. To anyone else that may read this, and may be struggling with infertility. Me heart goes out to you. I hope you can find the peace and comfort needed to keep your head up on those days that you go through the list of feelings of disappointment, hurt, anger, self sabotaging thoughts. Take comfort in knowing that even though everyones story is different, and everyone copes with it different. There are people who understand what your going through. That you can make it through those rough days, and even if you aren't ever able to be blessed with a child of your own, their are still plenty of children out there who need love, and in return can offer so much love and more.