My life is an open book. My hope is writing these blogs is to touch someones life who is going through something similar, and needs that little glimmer of hope and knowing someone out there understands.
This post is me being quite vulnerable. Majority of my friends know of my very long struggle with chronic pain and anxiety/depression. My moods got to the point last year where I realized I needed to get back on something. I was grumpy and just not myself. Even after starting it, I still had moments where I would get feeling low and overwhelmed with life and resorted back to self harm. I vowed I wouldn't self harm any more after my son asked what happened and I had to come up with some story.
On September 4th was my 40th Birthday. I got to spend the day with my Family. I received some beautiful flowers, a very pretty bead jewelry set my friend makes, and I received calls and messages that made me feel loved and thought about. I said that I sometimes think Birthdays were created to help those that may the go unnoticed in this crazy world indeed know that they are thought and cared about.
That's why this next part still does not make sense to me. The night of my Birthday I felt a deep sadness, I told my husband I wanted to die. In the past when I have had suicidal thoughts I would always say I know I would never act on it because I would not put my Family through that because I love them to much. My kids are my World, and I am theirs. The next day the deep sadness was still there. I told my husband I wanted to go for a drive to see if it would help put me in a better place. I knew very well deep down leaving, those were not my intentions. I headed up to the Mountain. A place that brings me so much serenity. Only that day, I was not feeling the serenity that I usually feel. I was emotional, crying, full of anxiety, sadness and just not in a very good place mentally. And before I knew it, I had crashed my car into a tree. I set and cried and worked my way through a panic attack. It barely hurt the fender on my car, and didn't do anything to me. I had the thought to try it again, but I didn't. I sat there numb, lost and alone. My husband called because he was worried and I told him what I did. He and the kids immediately headed up to where I was. I called dispatch to send an officer to file a police report. My husband and kids came, my kids didn't understand why the car was crashed into a tree. My husband took them back home so they would not worry. He gave me a hug and told me would do whatever is needed to get me the help needed. Whether it be a Psych Hospital or whatever treatment measures a Doctor might recommend. I am grateful to my husband, living with someone with chronic health problems can take a lot out of you. And can be frustrating because you can not help your loved one and take away their pain or mental illness.
I went straight to my Bishop to seek guidance. He suggested giving me a blessing. We went to my house so my husband could help administer it. I received a very comforting blessing with words that brought peace, strength and encouragement. My Bishop helped get me a emergency session with a local Therapist. I told the Therapist I was coming up with a Emergency plan of what I would do and who I would call or go to if I got in that place again.
Living with a mental illness is so hard and draining. We don't want to have these thoughts, I have spent time in a Psych Hospital several years ago because I didn't feel safe with my thoughts. And then another time I did overdose. I didn't want to, but in the matter of seconds something over took me and I almost had an outer body experience where before I knew it I had taken a bunch of pills. Because of my challenges with mental health I decided to be more open about it, in hopes that it would give someone else struggling the same courage to speak out and get the help needed, or just to let them know they are not alone in their thoughts.
Mental Health is a subject that is not addressed enough. Talking suicide with someone is such an uncomfortable topic for some. But if you know someone battling mental health, and especially suicidal thoughts, you need to have the courage to ask them where they are mentally, you need to let them know that they have someone they can turn to in their darkest moment without judgement. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is a helpful resource. I have used it to call and ask for advice for a Family member that was talking suicide. The number is 800-273-8255. There are usually local resources as well. You are not alone in your fight. There is always someone that is willing to listen. Please do not be afraid to reach out. Find healthy escapes, I have done a lot of coloring this week, I love color therapy. I have gone up to the Mountain as well and received some much needed serenity that I had mentioned the Mountains bring. You are loved, you are needed, there is hope, and you can and will get through the Mountains and stumbling blocks of struggles in life that you might be facing.
