This is from my other blog, I wrote back in April.

Its been an interesting month. I am always looking for life changing moments and I had one 2 wks ago. I battle depression, its on and off. I have been on many different meds for it. About 3 months ago it got so bad I went to the Dr and he put me on different meds and also set me up to start meeting with a psychiatrist. Which has helped a ton. I will more then likely post my progress on here every now and then. Anyway a few wks ago I got discouraged with myself for how many cupcakes I ate. The next day I also got discouraged for the way my meds were making me feel. I have been suicidal before but I always said I wouldn't put my family through that. Well this time around, I was so lost in my own world I didn't care about anything. I called my Psychiatrist and told her how I was feeling. She met with me and it helped, but 2 days later it was a Wednesday night, I started the thought process of how much I hated myself and flat out didn’t care about myself or anything else. I was worried that I would act on an impulse of self harming myself or taking to many pills to sleep it off, so I got in touch with my Dr and she recommended I go to the hospital. My good friend Stacy said she would take me. I went to Castles and they admitted me and then transferred me to Kahi hospital where I stayed the next 3 nights. It was an eye opener for me. I realized I needed to take more time for myself, not like watching tv or staying home, but needing to actually go out and enjoy myself, enjoy life. I realized I need to do whatever it takes to make myself healthy and to rid this depression because I don’t want end up in the hospital again or long term for that matter. When I got released and got home from the hospital it was hard because I automatically went into that wanting to be depressed state. Luckily I have an amazing relief society presidency. They came over and brought a nice basket of goodies and just kept me company for a while. That was a huge help to make it through the night. The next day was Easter Sunday. I went with a friend to the cemetery and for the first time went to my friends grave. Crystal passed away from breast cancer in 06, she is my age. While there I couldn’t help by cry and think of the fight of her life she put up trying to fight the cancer, and yet over the weekend I was so ready to end my life. It got me thinking more, I always said if I ever had cancer I would fight and be a survivor. Well this depression I battle is alot like a cancer. You have to fight like crazy to keep your thoughts in check, and to not let it consume you. Its so hard to want to keep going, but I will not let this defeat me. I will continue to fight it and do whatever I can to be a happy person. I will continue on working on loving myself and will continue my pursuit of happiness. I am very grateful for the support and love I have by so many people including my Heavenly Father. When I feel I am getting weak I will read this blog as a reminder to help me refocus.